January is a month of hardness. Today the ground is covered with a thin layer of ice and snow – the front lawns shine like glass in the glow of streetlights and leftover Christmas decorations. Bitter cold and wind have crept in from Canada since Sunday. The days may be getting longer now but barely – the burnt-out back porch light at my apartment makes coming home even at 5:30 treacherous.
Everything is hard right tonight. Returning to a day-job and a daily routine after a week and a half of vacation full of relaxing and celebrating is hard. Chipping away at my belongings is hard – it feels like it will never end. Support-raising is hard, especially in my most introverted time of the year – it feels like it will never get off the ground. Staying focused and not drifting into doubt or wistfulness or distracting daydreams is hard. Singleness is hard, and friendship is hard. Drafty windows and leaky roofs and inadequate hot-water heaters are hard.
I have big dreams for the next four months, and tonight I’m tired of everything being hard. But as I was brushing my teeth this evening, bemoaning my state of affairs and indulging my self-pity, a small voice in the back of my mind said “This one thing isn’t hard: give up.” Stop worrying, and stop trying to predict the future. Say, “Okay God, it’s in your hands because on my own I”m failing.” Let him do the things I can’t and all the heavy lifting. Seems crazy, but doing things the sane way hasn’t really worked for me thus far.